I haven’t written in a while and for my blog I think this is a good thing. I find I only need to write when I am troubled. A little catch up on my life…if you care.
This summer was awesome (living with a new roommate). I had already signed a lease with the old roommates at this new house. So that is where I am now. Amazing how one moment you are happy, you are thrown in with them, and the unhappiness ensues. I have cut at all thus far, probably because the end is near. I think I have 54 days in the house. Then I graduate and I am gone. Goodbye you won’t hear from me. So that is one problem solved. Sure losing an 8 year relationship with a best friend is one of the worst things….but the fact that she can’t even say congratulation when I get engaged is something else.
I don’t understand what I did. I don’t know what I am not good enough to be your friend anymore. But I don’t deserve this. I don’t. And it may have taken me four years to realize it but I got here. I am done being made fun of, I am done cleaning up your mess, and I am done feeding into the illusion that you are some awesome person. What makes an awesome person? Oh I don’t know…maybe saying congratulations when your roommate gets engaged is a good start. Everyone says you are jealous. Honestly I think that is giving you the benefit of the doubt. I’m sorry but in 54 days, the only time I will have to see you again is if you come to my wedding. That’s right, I am inviting you. I will be the bigger person. My mom taught me to kill them with kindness. And I will.
My boyfriend is no longer my boyfriend. He is my fiancé! Exciting things. I don’t think I could have felt more happiness when I saw him get down on one knee. Of course the whole time I was saying, “shut up, stop messing with me, shut up, omg”. After a major panic attack later that night, I am finally excited. It is weird to giving your life to someone. But I am so excited to live with him. After living with these roommates, I can’t wait to finally call someplace home. I am going to be so loved by him. He loves me for all of me. I can’t believe it sometimes.
“I will wait, I will wait for you” is from a Mumford and Son’s song. Shocking I know. It’s like I like that band or something. Weird. This is referencing a couple of people I have lost in the past couple of months. When I think about death, I have to admit, I am scared. I would rather die than have my family die. My parents think this is normal. When you get older, you are ready, or beginning to accept that the people around you die. I can’t accept it yet. I can’t. But I will wait for him. And I just want him to wait for me. It terrifies me to lose him. Some people believe in a higher power. But when you don’t, the people you love are all you have. And sometimes that just has to be enough.